At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Still dying that you shit outside
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
