I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
