I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
