You're a womanizer and a bitch.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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