I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize