he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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