the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize