New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
