only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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