wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
