Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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