I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
