I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
