Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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