There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
