If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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