I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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