im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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