I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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