you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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