yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize