I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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