good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize