If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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