I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
