Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
