You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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