I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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