I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
