I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize