she takes plan B like it's going out of style
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
