Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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