So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
