My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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