im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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