i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
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