i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
