I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
