i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize