god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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