I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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