I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
