I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
