I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
