how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
