I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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