too bad you live with your parents still
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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