An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
