I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
