Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
