I'd wear matching sweaters with you
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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