I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i was born a porn star she said
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
