im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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