I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
