He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
