I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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