Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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