Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
