Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
