So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize