Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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