Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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