this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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