nut hugger
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
